God and I have always had an issue with the concept of trust.
I am not secure that His plans are better than mine.
The latest turn of events have pretty much made my case.
Russ and I have plans. We have amazing, long-held plans that were about to be executed in June. We have worked towards this goal for many years. We were waiting for Levi to be 9. We are poised; the kids all happily home-schooled. Russ with plenty of contract work available overseas. Many other little things all PERFECTLY lined up for our PERFECT plan to work/travel for 2 years abroad and show our kids the world.
And then everything in our world just went bat-shit crazy.
What kind of a God thinks this plan is superior to ours?
Particularly a God that claims to love us and to be able to FIX stuff like this in a heartbeat?
Bloody hell, it's a bitter pill to swallow.
I have 30 years of history with Jesus. I know that even as I type this He is still in control.
I know that I can trust Him. I know that even though I am so angry, sad, heartbroken, disappointed and utterly devastated that one day this will make sense. That our time here is just a nanosecond in the face of eternity
I have kids who do not have the security of a long history with Christ. I have kids who are looking to me; watching me and taking their lead from my behaviour in this situation. (which has been a bit all over the place)
I have had to try to communicate to the kids that our faith is in God. Our faith is not only in His ability to heal. Our faith has to be in the God that can heal but perhaps, for reasons we cannot grasp, will not heal Russell.
How can I impart this to my children when I am still wrestling with it myself?
All I know is that we have today.
I have to take the opportunities as they arise and trust for the right words at the right time.