Yesterday was horrific. Russ refused to eat, drink, get out of bed or communicate. I cried most of the day.
This morning as I turned over in our bed, my heart in my throat, I found him awake and alert.
I could sense today was not going to be an ordinary day. I was right.
'Babe I am so sorry about yesterday. I just checked out.
I may be sinking into depression. I am just so tired. I don't know if I can do this.
I am so sorry.'
Instant tears leapt from my eyes as I saw my once strong man, now bedridden, crumble in agony at his admission. I took his hand, reminded him of our conversation three months ago, where we agreed that when he felt his fight was over that it would be OKAY.
The assurance fell from my lips as I promised that, until his last breath, I would fight on his behalf. The rest of us will fight but he does not have to live up to our expectations. He can rest in the freedom of knowing others have got his back.
He reached across and wiped the tears from my face and said the words that tore my heart in two.
'But I don't want to leave you.'
I reminded him, come what may, I will see him again soon. We will run those perfect trails in the New Earth. The ones where I won't get tired or be scared of snakes. We would be together again. No pain, no suffering and no running injuries!
And he smiled.
I promised him I would take care of our kids, I would make sure his legacy was tangible every single day of our lives. I promised him that while we hold our faith firmly until the end we can still plan for a glorious exit.
There will be no defeat in this thing we call death but only unexpected victory.