30 November 2015

Hello Monday

I spent some time on the beach this morning. The girls swam and the lad and I just hung out.
It was tough not to notice the obvious; he should be here. Period.

It did afford me some time to ponder, allow simmering thoughts to bubble to the surface.

I found this on my screen this morning and the words rang so beautifully in my heart.

Likewise I, God, will comfort Zion,
    comfort all her mounds of ruins.
I’ll transform her dead ground into Eden,
    her moonscape into the garden of God,
A place filled with exuberance and laughter,
    thankful voices and melodic songs.
 (Isaiah 51 : The Msg)

And yet the beauty still just feels like words on a page for me. I cannot find comfort or hope in these words. The bible is weird for me now.

I can't yet reconcile many things I was taught as a christian and I am not even trying. My spiritual walk has become so part of each breath I take that words on a page are 'nice' but not life-altering.

The only think I know for sure right now is:

"When we feel we've lost our hope, and we're standing all alone.
Our God is with us til the end.
There is no fear in love, for God has overcome.
Our God is with us til the end."
(All Around - LifeChurch)

The whisper of hope remains constant and it's breathed anew in me each day by my Maker; of this I have no doubt and because of this I can tentatively embrace each day as a new adventure.

27 November 2015

The Birthday

There are times when words are unable to express the sanctity of a moment or experience. I am not even going to try - suffice to say joy, peace and gratitude flooded my being on this day.


I fell many times on this daunting climb but I did eventually make it to the top; I felt Russell's pride in that moment.


" In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.
In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.
I realized, through it all, that ..
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back."
Albert Camus

23 November 2015

The Ambush

My run today nearly killed me. Not because I am ferociously unfit but rather because my grief decided to ambush me on the hill back up to my house.

This particular hill has fast-moving traffic on both sides. Busy people with busy lives careening to get home at 6pm. 

Little did they know that the girl walking unsteadily was not tired but rather fighting for her life and sanity. I have not experienced this kind of sharp, unabating, overwhelming pain since Russ was ill.  I thought the worst was over.


I remember this pain. The one that takes my breath way; causes me forget my children, my family, my friends, my own life. It simply screams for my life to be  be over. At any cost. 

I remember this pain from the days I would sit alongside my sleeping, ill man.

And now ---- I arrive home to my kids excitedly preparing for my birthday tomorrow. 
Kids who, I know, feel an overwhelming responsibility to make my day super-special and so I hide my swollen eyes  and dash upstairs announcing a quick shower before dinner.

And so another page is turned.

17 November 2015

"One Day"

In the beginning all I feel is pain;
my heart has been broken
but quietly the realisation comes
first with a smile, then with a laugh

Just like when the sun begins to set
and light and darkness dance -
 within my broken heart
Joy and sorrow co-exist

For the past week I have been ruminating on this journey of parallel experience. Brokenness and joy. Laughter and tears. Triumph and tragedy. Light and dark.

It troubles me deeply.  I understand that this new reality of mine is not unique. In fact I was told that One Day I would find myself laughing again. Enjoying the silly, meaningless fascinations of everyday life. 

It is quietly, gently unfolding before me and yet I still feel a deep sense of discomfort as I cannot understand how this can be happening mere months after losing my soulmate. 

I wish I could say I feel a sense of relief at the desire to laugh again, but no
I feel betrayed by my own heart and head. I feel disloyal and shallow. I feel like I want to, need to, hold onto the deep brokenness and pain to honour the love that Russ and I shared.

Gentle introspection (not a familar experience) has forced me to unravel and rebuild all kinds of weird shit that I had never considered. It has been both devastating and empowering. 

Again two very different emotions restlessly residing within me.

While sorrow and brokenness are never fun places to hang out they remind me  of a life and man who brought me so much joy; I would not trade these tears for anything. 

Perhaps it is simply accepting that joy anew can begin in deep brokenness.

"Every moment of our lives we have the opportunity to choose joy.
It is in the choice that our true freedom liesand that freedom is, 
in the final analysis, the freedom to love. 
-Henri Nouwen 

10 November 2015

Life is beautiful. And Terrible.

I really should not do this to myself. I had a completely different post in mind. Now I am a wreck and have to hide from my kids until I recover.

I realise now why I dont blog very often. Blogging often results in me looking for a particular image which then means I have to delve through MANY images to find the one I need.

A part of me feels I need to FORCE myself to do the hard stuff - look at photos, watch videos and listen to his voice notes. Maybe it's good for me.

Probably healthier than sitting in a dark corner cutting myself. Yes. I now understand why people self-harm.  Hurting physically is far more appealing than the gnawing, relentless bite of emotional pain.

My mom took both these images. It is the day we moved from her house back to ours.We had been told that our time together was limited. We desparately wanted to make sure we spent as much of it as possible in the beautiful house we built together nine years ago.

This day marked the beginning of our preparation for the end. I still feel utterly gutted.

You don't know pain until
you're staring at yourself in
the mirror with tears streaming down your face,
begging yourself to just hold on 
and be strong.