25 April 2016

Forever is Forever

does not seem
too far away.

Sometimes it is
after we lose someone
when we learn 
to love.

Where hope,
and dreams greet,
and everything is perfect
the way
it was meant to be.

So hear me,
soon enough
we will meet again

I will carry your soul
in my heart.

The same heart you 
helped me build.


18 April 2016

The Climb

This weekend saw me running the Jonkershoek Mountain Challenge. Yes, another trail run but this race was different from all the rest. Obviously it is the longest and most challenging run I have ever completed but, from the day I signed up, I knew this race was going to be far more than the obvious.

There were many obstacles thrown up the week before race-day. Kevin picked up a knee injury,  I picked up an infection and on the night before the race unusual circumstances had me awake and upset until well after midnight....then to top it off, I woke up on race morning with swollen glands and a fiery throat.

Ridiculous opposition which simply made me more determined. We were going to run. Period.

Kevin taped his knee, we took copious quantities of varying (legal)  drugs and Sunday morning found us on the road to Stellenbosch at 0630.

The race was brutal, gruelling and painful at times. It was also magical, awe-inspiring and breathtaking.

The uphill climb was unending; it almost destroyed me until I remembered that looking up at how far you have to go is never, ever helpful. Simply keep looking straight ahead and find a safe place to plant your feet.

Keep moving. Keep breathing.

Very much like life. Beautiful and terrible.

Kylie and Russell showed up for us on that mountain on this exceptional day. We both had intensely personal experiences that left us with no doubt that our beautiful people continue to cheer us on as we pursue all that life has for us in this new season.

04 April 2016

The Layers of Loss

Easter weekend I hit wobble. In the midst of so much joy the darkness found a crack and slithered in regardless.
My 'flight mode' kicked in and I took off, unannounced, into the Mcgregor mountains with little regard for anyone else's feelings or concerns. Part of me knew it was wrong. That same part didn't care.

I took flack for it. My family and those closest to me shat me out. I defended myself; knowing full well they would never understand the gravity and relentless compulsion that causes me to flee on these rare occasions.

I resisted the urge to SCREAM and tell them to be grateful that I fucking well came back at all.

Yes. I still swear.
Yes. I am still angry.

I recently had coffee with someone who has walked my road and is a kickass friend who helps me unravel my shit. She gets it. I am so grateful to be able to go and bleed over a cup of coffee with her....and walk out lighter.
It saves me. And it saves many who love me ---- that they dont have to witness the inner workings of my occasionally tortured soul. (can you imagine??!!)

The layers of loss.

That is what I am experiencing.

Russell died.

Fucked up and awful and unimaginably revolting.
But so much else died with him and that is only realised as time moves on.

Tomorrow Levi goes back to formal schooling. While those around us are excited and proud of me for making this 'bold move' and 'doing the right thing' for my boy...all I feel is yet another death.

The death of the plan; the death of the dreams we had as a family. They were amazing and awesome and we worked hard to achieve them. But they are dead. They are void. They are gone.

Levi going back to school is the right thing but it still represents yet another huge loss for me.